As I am writing this post today, my lil’ man Tiras is on my chest. I am at home. Having been away from my office for three weeks now, with another week of leave planned, I know I am privileged. Recently, I was reminded by this.
Moment of Realization. A contracted employee at my duty station was expecting his first child within a month of the arrival of Tiras Malachi, my son and second born. We often have discussions on how our families are doing and what we are doing to prepare. For me, I told him I planned on taking the 12-day paternity leave allowed by the service I am a commissioned officer in, followed by using an additional 12 days of annual leave. Basically, about one month of family time. His response was something in the vicinity of: it must be nice. This full-time employee did not such a privilege. This served as a reminder. Since this was my second child, I had not given it much thought this time around. Not every expectant dad is afforded the privilege of taking time off to allow the family to settle in to the new addition and try to get acclimated, somewhat.
Juxtaposed to this scenario where I met a father of two, who said his company gives him 16 weeks of paternity leave. 16 WEEKS! In passing, I jokingly asked “Will you know how to do your job when you get back?”. He replied, “The question is, will I want to?”. I imagine that companies consider this perspective when determining whether to offer paternity leave, aside from the cost of providing it. Personally, I am not sure what I would do with 16 weeks! That is a good problem to have though. Eight weeks may be my sweet spot.
I will be forthcoming and say, paternity leave is SO necessary! If that was not obvious to the masses, I will repeat: THIS IS SO NECESSARY!
Let me count the ways Paternity Leave is SO NECESSARY!
- Exhaustion: One would think this is a no brainer, but, in this day and age, I give no one the benefit of the doubt. Yes, exhaustion in several forms will likely manifest. JoAnna and I had our first born, Elliora Zyah, in 2016. Oh, the things we did not know! Exhaustion was expected, and it did not disappoint. JoAnna was recovering from labor and all its lingering effects. Add to that, breastfeeding. JoAnna was depleted. The first two weeks were pretty brutal. Coincidentally, my paternity leave was 12 days (including weekends) so I was totally hands on during that time. I took an additional week off via annual leave (again, what a privilege). I was exhausted, up all times of the night doing crazy, ridiculous things to appease our wild child. I was exhausted!
- Support: You are going to need support, as much as you can find. Approximately 2,840 miles away from relatives, we had little to no help in sight. Our family resides in Florida. So, if we place a call, help IS NOT on the way. At least not immediately. So, we depended on each other heavily, once Elliora Zyah arrived. The arrival of Tiras Malachi was markedly different. Boy oh boy, do mommies come through for mommies. We have had TREMENDOUS support from the moms JoAnna has met through the Mom groups since we have lived here. A “Meal Train’ was started (something that I had never heard of). Even the Postal Service lady brought over food! Gentlemen, dads, fellas…we have SO MUCH work to do! Starting with me!
- Sharing the Spotlight: If you are a father of one, with another child on the way, be prepared to spread your love around. My daughter Elliora Zyah demands attention. Always the social one, every person is deserving of a “Hi” and a wave. So, with a change in the routine, less attention on her is out of the norm. Access to paternity leave has given me the opportunity to pour affection, attention and love on to her. I have earned plenty of Frequent Playground Miles. There has not been a day that we did not hit up the playground. She has responded positively, and even tries to help when Tiras gets a little fussy. Paternity leave has afforded me the privilege of witnessing my baby girl morph into a big sister. That alone makes it worth all the while.
- Thrive: Let’s not miss the point of why a two-parent approach is advantageous. As parents, we are blessed with a child to ensure they thrive. There are little, to no greater times in a child’s life that are essential to thriving, then the child’s beginning.
- Self-Care: A new child comes into your life, and like a whirlwind (Hurricane Elliora), you are left with figuring out how you are going to accomplish taking care of one (sometimes two) needy, loud and oftentimes, annoying human beings. And oh, by the way, YOURSELF! Jump back into work life toot-sweet, rest assured, tension in your household will be SKY HIGH! Then try being the dad rushing back to the workplace, and then carving out some time to engage in physical activity. Imagine how that conversation would go, when your wife, having grown a child in her womb for nine months, gaining weight and quite possibly losing confidence, with hormonal imbalances to boot. You have been gone all day (for noble reasons, of course), and now you want to take more time away from being present at home and “work out”?! Yes, dads, self-care must be a priority, but there lies a balance. Paternity leave allows time for balance. Paternity allows time to focus on your state of mind and mental health.
- Find Your Groove: The three-pronged, trident-like attack from stress (work stress, husbandly duties and newborn/new life stress) would be overwhelming to any man. You take my “me time” away from me, and I am an ugly person to be around (some may argue that case anyway). Self-care does not stop with physical activity and mental health, but the continuum includes spiritually. A newborn introduced into your life requires a new routine. That old morning routine, may or may not be, a viable option going forward. You need time to figure that out. Getting up at 0430 hours, praying, stretching and reading The Holy Bible, may not be the steps available to me anymore. And when I am not prayed up, stretched out and in The Word, bad things ensue. Paternity leave gives you time, if you utilize it correctly, to find your groove. Entering my final week of leave, my primary goal is to find my groove.
Final Thought. If you are an employer, or a person in a position of power or influence, the single most imperative benefit you can offer, or advocate for an expecting father is paternity leave. There is nothing like an employee that is assured their home station is squared away. A dad that is physically, mentally and spiritually tuned up, is a high performer.